An email from my friend Rick. I thought it was pretty funny.
THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an
English professor at Arizona State University.
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say
must be written on the paper. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of my
English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary
– last name deleted.
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she
wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite
for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much
of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and
if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
——————————————————
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more
important things to think about than the neuroses of
an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his
transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could
sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
of his seat and across the cockpit.
—————————————————–
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one
morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth,
when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,
with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s
innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
—————————————————–
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds
to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the
Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian
ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this!
I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of
the sky!”
—————————————————–
(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
—————————————————–
(gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I
have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
—————————————————–
(rebecca)
Asshole.
—————————————————–
(gary)
Bitch.
—————————————————–
(rebecca)
Wanker.
—————————————————–
(gary)
slut.
—————————————————–
(rebecca)
Get fucked.
—————————————————–
(gary)
Eat shit.
—————————————————–
(rebecca)
FUCK YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
—————————————————–
(gary)
Go drink some tea – whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ – I really liked this one.